In todays Revelation to me, it was revealed that I live out of a secret that I refuse to share. This secret is the essence of me. That I cannot reveal ever, unless I would. It is different than hiding a vice. Most everyone does, not that it is the best idea but non the less.
So I start with my secret and there is a second level of line, a coating. The desire to experience life, in the forbidden way.
This is used in my fantasy life. This is an area of idle dreaming about a different reality than I inhabit in. One imagines or dreams about another life as it were. Not fully though, somehow integrated with the existing life. I am happy with my lifestyle most of the time. I believe the moral code and compass are very fine things. We see what happens often, when one gives in to their basest impulses. This is all very subjective but there are certain behaviors that are
not only frowned upon but have shown over history to lead to little in self satisfaction anyway.
After this 2nd layer, begins my lies. I begin in the reality only after the true desires.
I wonder now, do others who live this way, do they find that they continue to plot as I was doing a few months ago. I planned via email to meet a male prossie. He looked fabulous. Tall, lean, from South America, dark, muscular, very attractive. I picked him out of several pictures of such males. All were good really but he struck a cord.
I told the middle man who calls himself a mediator, that I needed alot of hand holding. Whatever, I didn't go thru. I gave in to jet lag, and meetings with friends, and before u know it, the chance is lost.
I had and have alot of fears of disease. I believe it is not so rational fear but who knows.
I had planned only initally that I would be in clothes. First tho, he wanted or liked to shower with his client.
It was all a bit too radical. I suppose I am stuck in time, when a few times when I was younger I was propositioned for male sex, and I did not take them up on it. I at that time, did not have any kind of strong sexuality due to my religious Orthodox upbringing and perhaps the times were not yet so liberated as they supposedly are.
Now in later years, these chances do not show themselves.
Then I continued to bask after women, and had a few and then married one. So there are children and a community and all that.
Yet a fantasy I have had is that the last proposition would have worked. In all fairness, I would have been required to say something. Well now that I think of it, this airline steward guy was talking to me a bit, we were conversing and he sits down, which is wierd except the flgt. was empty and at some point he stares at me, like non stop in a very gentle way. He then asked me if i wanted to sit in First class with him, He has already told 2 gay men in front of me that it is empty and they can go. So I might have said yes I will sit there thank you, but I did not, and not sure if he would have joined me anyway. the other 2 gay men were ok but I was not feeling hot and turned on.
Yesterday, I was very attracted to a chef. In my work I sell items to Kitchens and caterers.
I am still thinking of him. I was not sure if he was gay or not, sometimes it could go either way. I mean other people smile alot too, lol
But I realized this experience of attraction. I am not sure if others feel this towards someone specific or not.
You can pass by some women and feel they are hot and you want them. But You will not see them again so it passes.
Then there are people you know at work, you could fantasize about them but personally I find that a bit wierd.
In Religions and morality, they suggest to not feel this. You must only feel this for your wife.
In Religions, to cross this line, is to sin in some way. Some say that the thought is bad but others that only actions matter.
Getting back to my question, does this periodic looking at men, suggest that I should or should not make these small steps?
The other approach does not work for me, going to online chat rooms. I did this, and I will never meet anyone that way.
This approach of paying someone, who is hot, is one I am basically comfortable with. What will happen would be a development.
When I meet some attractive male, which is not that often, but I would say sometimes not for months but sometimes it can be a mail clerk, a guy who commutes getting off at same stop, that kind of thing. It is not that often. Maybe over a year or more. So when it happens, it is very powerful, like that dams exploded.
